LONDON – The recent departure of Zayn Malik from the world-renowned boy band One Direction has left swaths of people – adolescent girls and grown men alike – distraught and confused. News that One Direction will continue as a 4-piece band has done little to alleviate the worries and concerns weighing down these bereft masses, who have taken to the streets in their wild rage.
Burnt and bloody copies of Seventeen Magazine were strewn across the asphalt. Most reporters who tried to approach the throng of protesters rioting and looting were found either absconding from the scene out of fear for their lives or abandoning recorder and mic and being absorbed into the howling crowd as their inner “Directioners” came out in a furious tempest. The few individuals who were able to collect themselves enough to respond were all clutching posters of Malik circa 2012 – notably clean-shaven and short-haired.
“I just- I don’t understand. We love him,” said one individual who wished to be identified only as ZaynLuvr97. “Wasn’t that enough?”
Shortly after giving us the quote, ZaynLuvr97 ripped a pink extension from where it was attached to her bangs and threw it into a gutter before rejoining the protest.
“All this is beyond me. He was such a handsome boy,” said Tasneem Begum, 43. A mother of 3, including a 21-year-old daughter, she immigrated to the United Kingdom while she was pregnant with her oldest. “My daughter, you know, she is a premed student. Very intelligent. Her face is a little full, only, and she has gotten a little darker recently, but very pretty. I was hoping to contact Zayn-beta’s esteemed mother for a rishta, but I’m not sure if that’s appropriate right now.”
As the press left the scene, Tasneem Begum was wondering whether a basket of laddoos and other confectionery would be a good way to send her condolences to the family, along with a picture of her daughter. The throng only thickened as time went on. As schools across the world get out, the protests are expected to become a global movement. #AlwaysInOurHeartsZaynMalik is the number one Worldwide trend on Twitter, followed by #GodIsntReal.
At press time, reporters were trying to figure out what to do with what seemed to be a husk of a 20-year-old woman who had aimlessly wandered into the office in, quote, “pursuit of some kind of meaning to life.”
My sincere condolences to any Directioners out there. And best of luck to Zayn bhai, you’re gonna kill it. Future Timbastan fo sho.
disclaimer: this is satirical etc etc