by Neiha Lasharie
Households around the world can watch the evening news in peace and without feeling horror and guilt now that a scientific breakthrough has proven what many pundits have been proposing for decades. In what has been touted as the “widest and most demographically representative” study of Muslims around the world, science has shown that the average Muslim is chemically and morally composed of 40% of an ordinary, non-Muslim human’s molecular make up.
Pointing to a crude drawing of homo mohommetan – at first thought to be the same, if pleasantly different, from the homo sapiens but in light of recent discoveries found to be of a different taxonomy altogether – eugenicist I.B. Gotte explains. “We’ve been testing this theory for generations but have only recently acquired funding from the government – and several generous media outlets – to prove our theory correct.”
While the exact mechanics of the study were not relayed to this reporter, many have called this study a “gamechanger” in the way society perceives the Muslim community – and it brings with it a sigh of relief from tragedy-weary lives, particularly among middle Americans. One mother in particular had this to say, “I can’t tell you how good it feels to know that all those people dying everyday aren’t actually people – wait, I can say that, right? It’s PC, right? Okay. Well, anyway, I’m just happy my kids can sleep better knowing that all those Syrians and Palestinians and all them are dying in much fewer numbers than we thought.”
While the exact death tolls have yet to be recalculated – particularly in light of another breakthrough that suggests that not all the victims in the Syrian civil war and the occupation of Gaza are Muslim – early projections put the numbers at less than a third of the current estimates. This may even put the number of deaths since the Syrian uprising at less than 50,000, a prospect that has caused celebrations to erupt across the world among activist groups.
Editor’s Note: The number provided in this article, 40%, comes only when rounded up. The exact percentage varies among Muslims and across sects and volume of facial hair. The average comes to 39.68%.
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(Note: If you think this isn’t satire, I feel bad for you son. I give 99 things, but a shit ain’t one.)